My Name Is Adrian And These Are Some Of My Vulnerabilities.

Since I started this blog, I haven’t really spoken much about me. I have spoken of some of my experiences, some of my ideas, shared my goals that I want from life but one thing I haven’t really spoken of is what makes me… well me. I’m not invincible, I’m quite vulnerable, actually.

The following post, I wish to share some of my vulnerabilities. Some of these things I have no problem with sharing, while others make feel really uneasy about sharing them BUT I feel like I should so that people to get to know the REAL me, not the fake mask I wear most of the time to protect myself from being hurt.

I have never had a girlfriend.

I am 25 years old at the time of writing this and I have never had a girlfriend of any real sort ( any loose exceptions were really just people fucking with me. ) I’ve never had sex and being brutally honest, I don’t see this changing any time soon. Why? You might ask. It’s simple: I feel that most ( emphasising MOST here ) girls where I live are just not simply worth my time. This could be for various reasons be it that I am not attracted to them, they ARE attractive but they have the personality of a donkey and / or already taken by someone else.

I don’t mean to be fussy or anything, I simply just want to find someone who likes for me for who I am, not because I’m not the most handsome guy in the world, make the most money, etc. I feel that this girl simply does not exist for me in Ireland. For my own reasons, I’ve always felt incompatible with Irish culture, with it’s work all the hours god sends you and then go and get drunk to forget about your problems type of thing. Now, I know I am generalising but I am pretty sure this is true for the vast majority of people I know.

Of course, I’ve had numerous crushes over the years but nothing really came out of them, mainly because I was too scared to act. It was kind of creepy the way I acted around girls I liked when I was younger, practically stalking them because I didn’t know what else to do. It was only when I did this to someone in my class group and the whole thing blew up and became a massive mess for me that I snapped out of it. However, instead of following them, I did… nothing instead.

It’s something I am still working on and I feel that something…. I don’t what, is mentally blocking from going any further with girls I actually am interested in. I don’t why this is happening, is it because I am afraid of getting hurt? Then again, my first experience with trying to meet a girl ended in me getting ice thrown into my face! If that isn’t traumatising, then I don’t know what is. It’s something I need to figure out, though and overcome it because, believe it or not, I actually do want to know what actual love is and while I’m still young as well!

I procrastinate

I freely admit that I procrastinate way more than I should, wasting entire days on the computer on the internet, mainly because I feel where I live offers me virtually nothing of interest. I constantly get lectured for sleeping in late during the day but I wish I could answer back ‘ If that’s the case, tell me what there is for me to do!? ‘

More often than not, when I do ask, I usually got work shoved in my way, like doing the garden or painting the house, all the while others being smart about it and going ‘ Oh, isn’t this better than being on the computer all day!? ‘ That type of smart ass approach to me is one of the reasons I don’t like doing things for other people. Why? It doesn’t benefit me AT ALL. It makes me more resentful of them in fact. They see that my time is worth nothing and so treat it as such.
‘ Why don’t you get a job? ‘ That is all well and good but this is one serious problem – virtually everywhere I’ve ever submitted a CV to has never even bothered to call me back! As a result of this, I’ve never had any form of proper job since I was 18! The main reason I’m probably so slow is because I simply got exploited and treated like a fool by the job I did have. I won’t go into my reasons why but it coloured my view of things quite badly.

As for my list of things to do, I still go for daily walks most days but haven’t really touched a sketchpad in a while and I am slowly saving up my money to leave for Australia later this year. My year of no drinking is going good as well, too. I need to up my game, truly and honestly. I’m a bit of wreck right now and I know it and I WILL find a way through it.

And now for the reason I even considered making this post, this one is kind of hard for me to admit but after seeing several people come out with their insecurities and vulnerabilities on Niall Doherty’s blog, this one is pale in comparison to some of the things people spoke of there. That said, I’m still rather embarrassed to admit this.

I’ve got a crush on a video game character

There, I said it, you have no idea how much procrastination and hesitation I had to go through just to type that line. This exposes quite a few things about me, namely that I’m an introvert and that in spite of appearances, I am actually a giant nerd. Well, that is exaggerating a little but I do have nerdish tendencies, I just feel I can’t freely express them where I am in life right now for fear of ridicule.

Anyway, seeing that I got that out of the way, I might as well as say who it is. It’s actually quite honest anyway – It’s a character called Pyrrah from a game called Soul Calibur 5 ( a fighting game, a damn fun one at that as well. No prizes for guessing what character I play! ) I’m sorry but looking from the image below, I’m pretty sure some of you will admit ‘ Yeah, she IS cute alright. ‘

Come on, admit it. She's cute, isn't she?

The thing is, this has brought home several things, my lack of success with women and to be brutally honest, the piss poor quality of women in my area. This is one of the reasons I want to leave so bad – If I stay, I do not stand a chance in finding someone. I mean seriously, if I end up developing a crush on a freaking video game character, then something is seriously lacking.

However, I have to remind myself that I am NOT a special case. Indeed, consider the fact that people will develop crushes, even fall in love with – celebrities in the media. People who generally speaking, they have no hope in hell of ever meeting and even if they did, they would NOT be like the person they have imagined. Given all the paparazzi you get around celebrities anyway then you will know that they too are human, not some mythological creature. Why should be any different? ( That and there are countless others who have crushes on video game characters too, I know this. )

Right, I know this was a pretty self – centred post but there you have it, you know me a little bit better and have shown that I am indeed human. I am flawed, I am not perfect. I don’t want people to think otherwise. If I inspire you, I’m glad I do but please, don’t worship me like some sort of god. I am only human, I am a flawed and am working my way through life the best I can.

My Theme for 2012

' Dreams ' - Comic from XKCD

 

I have already said that it is my intention to treat 2012 as if is really the ‘ final year. ‘ Well, not only that but I have also decided that 2012 is going to have a theme for myself as well. Many people do this and I thought why not.

Anyway, the theme for 2012 for me is Upsetting The Status Quo. For too long, I have being too quiet, too timid. I have always being a person who would fold to others expectations of me because I thought it was the right thing to do, to ‘ keep the peace. ‘ I now know ( or maybe, I have always known ) that this is just a cop out and it is only hurting me in the long run.

For example, I have a habit of responding to questions I have being asked with ‘ I don’t know. ‘ The truth is, more often than not, I should really respond to that question with ‘ None of your fucking business! ‘ The former is a neutral response to avoid causing arguments, the latter, while it may cause a scene once in a while, delivers the point to the other person to stop being so fucking nosey!

Then there is the more obvious ‘ comfortable – but not really fulfilled ‘ existence that I am currently in. I am ‘ comfortable ‘ so to speak but deep down, I know that I don’t like the situation I am in. I am mad feel bad by certain people for circumstances that are generally out of my control. Generally speaking, peer pressure is a bitch!

‘ Conform to this, conform to that! ‘ They tell you, expecting you to follow them like a stupid sheep. Why should I? Truth be told, my motivation is rather low at present, and it has being for some time. Almost everything feels like a fucking endurance test. ‘ This is the way, the only way! Even if you end up hating yourself and saddled with debt, this is the only way! ‘ Please….

Its not like I am not planning anything, Operation Getaway comes to mind. It is going to take me a long time to build up my funds to get there but by god, I am going to there. See, my motivation isn’t completely shot. I am using this as a foundation to build onto something bigger and better. Some people are like weeds and grow quickly. Others are more like Chinese Bamboo tress which see no real group for the first 4 years then see a massive growth sprout in year 5, you can’t judge a book by its cover.

I most also confess that I’m a bit of what some may call a ‘ Hopeless Romantic ‘ which it comes to perusing members of the opposite sex. I am going to admit that I’ve never have being in a relationship at the time of writing. It is just something that has never happened for me for one reason or another ( truth be told, its almost all me. ) There is even a word for it, Involuntary Celibacy or Incel for short.

Anyway, seeing that 2012 is all about upsetting the Status Quo, I will make much more of an effort to flirt with girls. How I will do, I’m not entirely sure yet because truth be told, where I live at present there is fuck all possibilities to meet ladies that don’t involve going to the pub and seeing that everyone is broke from Christmas, no one is going to be out this month! I’m not saying that it’s not impossible, just a lot more difficult.

On that topic, another aspect I need to stop giving a hoot about is the whole so-called ‘ Gossip Machine ‘ – people who probably because they have nothing better to do, go around nattering and poking their noses in other people’s lives and then proceed to tell everyone and their dogs about it. I am going to live by the theme I have set myself for this year, then the Gossip machine concerning me is going to go into overdrive!

For too long, I have let that dictate my actions or rather my inaction, all because I’m afraid of someone starting some bullshit rumours about me. Like I said, more often than not, these people have nothing better to do then spread shit, it really shows their character, doesn’t it? We people who are striving to brake free and make something of ourselves will face this and we all need to ignore it, even if the screams become almost deafening!

This is what we face when we chose to upset the Status Quo and for me, this is what 2012 is going to be about. Hell, I’ve already inadvertently started doing it already a few times already in my day to day life so maybe it is only to get stronger?

Here’s to 2012!

2011 – Year in Review and Goals for the Final Year

The Old Year. Yes, that is meant to be the Arab Spring in the background

Well, what can I say? 2011 has being an interesting year to say the least. Not just because of the Arab Spring , Riots in London, the uncertain future of the Euro among other things. That isn’t what this post is about though.

This post is about me looking back at the past year. For both good and bad. So without further delay, lets get going.

1. The Fighting Game Community

This a significant year for me in the Irish Fighting Game scene. I began to make a bit of a name for myself this year. The break through occurred for me in March when I progressed out of the initial group stages of a tournament for the first time but not before having some very nerve wreaking matches in the group stages beforehand. However, the main thing that happened was me going against a player who I had a bit of a rivalry with from a previous event. I would win the match which gave birth a catchphrase that I’m associated with the in the Irish FG scene:

However, I haven’t won any tournaments at all this year. Mainly owing to the fact that I lost a bit of motivation during the year as well as the fact I moved from joypad to the more preferred Arcade Stick, which took a bit of adjusting and knocked me back a little. Then I went through a frustrating period where it seemed like I was actually dis-improving, hopefully I’m slowly coming out of that now.

I’ve also met from great people as a result and gone on some adventures with these people, including getting so drunk one night that I got sick everywhere ( whoops! ) I was at least able to laugh and joke about it with people and not feel too embarrassed over it! Ha!

A good year for me in the scene and I only hope to get better next year!

2. Education / College

Well, I finished college finally this year AND I did it without ever taking on any debt ( thanks Mom and Dad. ) This was my main concern and maybe I was a bit too harsh about it and I feel I missed out on a lot because well…. lets just commuting sucks! Would have I done things differently? Of course, that’s the benefit of hindsight I guess.

As for me right now, I’m going through a bit of a crisis of character. I’m not sure what I want to do with myself BUT I do know that I don’t want to end up as one of the many mindless drones that do stuff they hate for no reason. Let me tell you, the peer pressure is bad but I’m determined to overcome all this!

3. That it is me and only ME that is holding me back

This was actually one of the first things I learned this year, way back in January. I saw it demonstrated to me clearly that it was me who holding myself. The main reason I would sit on my own feeling sorry for myself was well… because I would sit on my own almost involuntarily! I guess that is what happens when you are as untrusting and cynical about people as I was.

I can pinpoint two events in January that were the catalysts for this. One involuntary ( having to switch from my spot in college owing to a computer hiccuping on me, leaving concerned that I might lose my data from computer failure ) and the other was something I did myself ( helping out a few people get a computer image on a large screen at someone’s 21st. I did it honestly not expecting anything or with any agenda and got free drink and respect because of it. )

Also at said 21st, there I was literally sitting on my own and yes, the guys literally had to tell that it was OK to hang out with them – which brought home the message that I was doing it to myself and no one else.

Its being a bit of wild ride this year as a result, actually feeling like I was a part of some group, not just because of video games. That is one thing I can take away from 2011 and hold my head up high for.

4. I travelled spontaneously

Well, as spontaneous as only booking the trip less than 3 weeks before and apart from looking up a few small things, not knowing what to expect or what to do. Barcelona, like I mentioned before is a beautiful place, even if a little warm for my liking.

I had some fun and learned that I still have some mental blocks to overcome and that I really should give myself permission to go with the flow more and it usually leads to the best experiences than going with expectations and ‘ rules ‘ in your mind. The latter always leads to disappointment and I really need to overcome it!

 

Goals for 2012 – ‘ The Final Year ‘

 

I am sure that many of you have heard about the popular Mayan Theory that the world is going to end on December 21st, 2012. While I personally believe something will happen next year, it will NOT be the end of the world! HOWEVER, I am going to treat 2012 as if it really is ‘ the final year ‘ and my goals will be based on this.

On or two of these will be similar to my previous mentioned goals in my post getting called out by Disrupting the Rabbelment last month. Some of them will be new, all of them will be realistic. Anyway, my goals for 2012 are:

1. Lose 10 pounds

I could just say ‘ lose weight ‘ here but that is too vague for my liking. SO, I have decided to start low, otherwise I’d just give up before I even begin. This one is flexible and can and will be updated as I progress but for now, keeping it simple will motivate me better than putting up a scary figure that will just put me off.

2. Do at least one real world sketch a week

I love drawing and I want to get better at it so with that in mind I want to start sketching from life more. At least once week, I will sketch from life be it a statue, person or a chair. Anything just to get a sketch pad going.

3. Get out of here

It shocks and saddens why the hell so many people are so small minded and chose to spend their entire lives living the same area. They grow up there, they meet someone from there, they live and work there and they die there. I don’t want this, I want to get out of the same area and see more fot his world. This ties with my earlier goal of getting to Australia.

4. Get a source of income

This can temporary or permanent and again ties in with my getting to Australia goal. I will basically do what it takes to get there quicker than my November 22nd deadline. If I have to wait that long so be it but I WILL get there.

5. Experiment more

Like others, I am open to try different stuff and hope to try a few experiments, some will be short and others will be longer, like a year old experiment that I won’t be announcing until tomorrow, followed by a shorter month long experiment that I’ll announce a few days after, both will be beginning on New Years Day.

Aside from those, I don’t really have anything else in mind at present for experiments so I am open for suggestions in that regard. I merely want to open my mind and what things are .

So there you have it, thoughts on 2011 and some goals for 2012 now lets bring it on!

The Facebook Cull & Letting Go of the Past

Grave of the Facebook Friends who fell during the cull of December 2011. Yes, I drew it myself and yes, I can do better than this, it was only a quick drawing!

It might seem like a trival exercise to some but I recently did a cull of friends on facebook, that socail networking site that I’m sure some of you are familiar with. It was actually the first time in my 3 years of having an active facebook account I did it, the exercise was actually kind of signifficant

It was something that I’ve being meaning to do but haven’t done so for a long time. I was going to wait until New Years Day but then I said to hell with it, no time is better than the present, so they say.

While it may seem insignificant to some, my friends list went from 220 when I started down to 167 when I finished. This included after the initial clean up going through my friends list twice afterwards with a fine curb just to be sure.

Friends I have deleted include:

– A local girl who said she’d love to have drinks with me the ‘ next time I see her out ‘ and then is never seen out locally ever again. I am too old for that nonsense thank you very much.
– People I knew from college who I have simply drifted apart from. It happens, I understand. Most of them were ignorant anyway.
– People I met on a trip aboard many years ago. Very little chance I’ll ever meet them again.
– People who have moved on with their lives in a direction I’m not keen on. Nothing bad here, more around the lines of ‘ settling and having a family before your 25 ‘ type of thing. I don’t see myself even remotely thinking about settling until I’m in my 30s.

A part of me didn’t want to this but I kept reminding myself this: ‘ The past is over, its time to move on and forget this people. May they have nice lives but there is no point holding onto them as reminders of the past – move onwards and forwards! ‘ Hence, I did it.

That was my main reason I did it – I’m fed up of living the past and wish to simply move forward. The past is done, its time to look ahead and enjoy the present. This is the whole point of this blog, a place to bring out my ideas on about lifestyle design AND keep myself accountable for my own progress in building a better life for myself.

Besides, if any of the people I deleted actually do still care about me, they’ll be able to find me and refriend me if need be. If not, no loss. I somehow don’t think they’ll care enough about seeking me out, I’ll be very surprised if they did, though.

How do I feel now? Odd and maybe little sad but I knew is was a necessary. Like I said, I want to move on fully and begin living in the present. So in the long run, I’ll be glad I did it.

Letting go of your past is important to move on in life. Hell my title icon in Street Fighter 4 is ‘ The Past is Over ‘ emphaising the point I really don’t want to live in the pasy anymore. Its ok to think back about the past but if you doing it too much, theres a problem.

Yes, I know I screwed up on that trip in 2004, stop beating yourself up over it! It made you into who you are, someone who questions the point of a load of rules that more often than not, will HINDER you if try following them! Things like that I need to snap out and just live in the present as much as possible!
So, I now promise myself to not living the past anymore, to live in the present. The present is after all, all that I can control.

And seeing that my next post isn’t until the 27th, I would like to wish all my readers here a Very Happy and Peaceful Christmas. May all you have more love and happiness than you can handle!

On Winning & Taking Part

The Fighting Game community that I’m a part runs monthly tournaments where the top 3 people get a cash prize. I am more than happy to not just take part but contribute in any way I can, be it bringing a console for people to play on, helping with camera work, organising the layout of the room, things like that.

 

I never expect to win money from going to these tournaments, the main reason I go is for the community spirit as well as bettering myself as a player so that I can possibily one day win some money. Point is, its not that I wouldn’t mind winning, its just not something I try and obsess over.

 

Some of my peers on the other hand, are ALL about winning. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that focusing all your engery on something in order to win can be good at times but even then, it could be years before you see results. Some people want to see results yesterday ( I believe Army recruit camps go by this principle! ) They also think that if your not winning, there is no point in taking part in the first place!

 

On the other hand, I’m sure you all familar with the phrase ‘ Its not the winning, its the taking part that counts. ‘ Yes, I’m sure its all well and good but there is one little problem with that phrase, it generally has negative conetations! Think about it, when was the last time you heard that phrase, was it when you lost badly at something? Its a phrase used to make you feel better for losing at something which is why I feel its a negative.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for competitiveness ( it encourages you to get better ) but you should never be satisifed with losing. HOWEVER, you shouldn’t obsess about winning to the point it becomes destructive. There is a very fine line between this and dedication.

 

It is alright to dedicated to something by all means go ahead BUT please don’t turn into an obsession. More often than not, it can be destructive!

Fighting For Your Inner Child

Once again, another post based on a speech I wrote for toastmasters! This topic is a bit more personal to me this time, talking about how how we should hold to the child like wonder and excitement as we get older, in spite of what society tells us otherwise.

Who here remembers Christmas as a child? Back then, Christmas was by far the most exciting and magical time of year. Why? Becase Santa was going to bring you lots of toys ( or coal if you were naughty! ) I remember one early Christmas morning screaming the whole house awake because I couldn’t put a trailer back onto a toy truck I’d gotten off Santa! I did this more than once that night, too!

As a child, the world seemed full of endless possiblites. There was no limit to what you could do. You were full of life, full of wonder, full of joy. Your imagination knew no bounds. A simple box could have being a means to send yourself to the moon or put you on TV ( to the dismay of parents who brought the toy that was in that box! ) Simply put, you felt unstoppable and nothing would stand in your way.

But then, something happened. You can’t quite explain it at first. People begin telling you that you need to grow up. That you can’t do this or that thing anymore. Its too childish. ‘ Stop playing around in the mud, you’ll get dirty! ‘ they tell you. You begin getting clothes at Christmas instead of toys. Slowly, you begin to lose the innocence and wonder that goes with being a child.

Instead, you begin to think that being cold, angry and miserable is the norm. If you were to read a newspaper or watch the news, its practically encouraged! You can’t be a child anymore, grow up, be an adult! Be responsible. Do what your told… or else! You see all of these messages. What will you do? Will you end up rebelling and causing trouble or do you pull down you pants and just take it?

To be truthful, this is an issue close to my heart as I was on the recieivng end of this when I was younger. Its was quite sudden and rather extreme as well. I was told I couldn’t do this or that thing anymore. It was too childish and that I would have to grow up. Be a man.

The problem was that I didn’t like what I was seeing. From what I saw, being a man involved working ridiculous hours in a job you probably hate, vegetate in front of a TV when you got home and then at the weekends go out and get ridiculously drunk because you ‘ deserved a break. ‘ People behind the advertising of alcohol definately got something right if that is what people think is the norm!

I was looking at all this and asked myself ‘ Why? ‘ I simply wondered why I should be forced to abandon what made me happy as a child just because I passed a certain age? Was I too old? Were people around me just trying to fit expections? ‘ It will be easier if you just submit. ‘ No one ever speaks those words aloud but deep down, that is what I think many people are doing.

I believe that you should always stay in touch with your inner child. A person who loses touch with thier inner child typically ends up as one of the endless drones you see day in and day out everywhere. Dull, boring, uninteresting. They hate their jobs and they probably hate their lives as well. I simply do not wish this fate on myself.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that we all to an extent, need to grow up. I strive to be independent. I am capable of looking after others as well as myself. I want a family one day in the future and I want to be sure that I can be there for them. However, even when you face the responsibilites of an adult, you should let your inner child out as much as possible.

If more people were like this, I think the world would be a more colourful, exicitng and peaceful place. People would be more interesting to be around, everyone would be happier. I wish for a playful world, I believe it would solve a lot of our problems. A child does not hate, does not judge – All they see is a potential playmate, for example.

So, I say go and build sand castles on the beach. Sleep with a teddy by your side if that is whats you happy. Watch cartoons on television ( well, anything is better than Jeremy Kyle! ) Do all these childish things and If others look at you disapprovingly and exclaim ‘ Thats childish! ‘ ‘ Grow the hell up! ‘ Look them in the eye, smile and simply reply back ‘ I am one of the happiest people I know, what about you!? ‘

The Goals & Challenges of Infinity

Hey people, how are you all keeping!? Well, after getting called out by Niall last week, I said that I would make a follow-up post to my impromptu one from last week and well, here I am!

As I said, I was going to be listing a few of my goals. This goals will be for the next year from today ( Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011 ) I will start with the one I posted about last week and work from there.

Goal 1: Win at least 1 Fighting Game tournament by the end of May 2012

This one is I mentioned last week. I need to work on my fighting game skills to bring them up to a level that is acceptable, possibly change characters in the process in order to do so ( sorry Juri ) but alas, I’m hungry and want to achieve this whatever it takes!

Goal 2: Find a source of income

I won’t lie, my current source of income is social welfare! Before all of you breath down my neck going ‘ get a job you lazy fuck! ‘ don’t, I’ve heard dozens of times before it this stage and I’m only on it about 6 months! Anyway, I’m no waster and have being saving most of it every week with intentions to travel.

BUT…. I want to see if I want to find a source of income that is better than that. Even if it means in the short-term working some god-awful job with antisocial hours then so be it. That said, I’ll also see if I find other ways to make some money before resorting to that.

Goal 3: Finish the Toastmasters Competent Communicator Manual

I have being a member of Toastmasters since June of this year. For those who are wondering, Toastmasters is an international group where people come together and give speeches with the aim of improving themselves and all that jazz.

I am currently working my way though the initial Competent Communicator Manual at a good pace and hope to have all 10 projects done within it by the end of the 2011 / 2012 season.

Goal 4: Become more frugal

Closely tied in with my source of income goal, this one simply involves me learning to make do with less money. I fully believe it will be possible for me to live on 30 Euro or less a week while I save. This will involve some sacrifices but it will be worth it in the end.

I plan on having one last blow out for the month of December this year ( with presents, some clothes and going out ) but come January, I will be in full-time frugal mode.

Goal 5: Get rid of Possessions

I am not talking minimalism here: I simply wish to downsize to a manageable amount of possessions. This will involve clearing out my wardrobe, throwing out and / selling / or giving away stuff I don’t use any more to create less clutter in my life.

Goal 6 – The Big One: Go to Australia aka Operation Getaway

This is the big one. The grand finale. All of the other items on the list lead up to this one. The core goal that merits me taking inspiration from Man Vs Clock and setting a public timer on it. All of the goals above lead into this one. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time ( talking like at least 5 years here ) and now I am determined to finally do it. This also explains the timer I added to the blog recently.

The aim – Be either in Australia or on my way there by November 22nd, 2012 at the very latest. Swap the shitty Irish weather for sunshine, beaches and all that jazz. It’s not gonna be cheap but should everything go to plan, it will all be worth it in the end!

And so there you have it, 6 goals. One year. I believe they are all perfectly achievable. This is only the start. Again, inspired by Man Vs Clock, I will be setting myself comfort zone challenges with set time limits. I already have one in mind but I won’t be posting that one until early in the new year.

Until then, lets bring it on!

Reflections on Death

Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011.

This is a bit of an spontaneous impromptu post brought upon by the Death of Steve Jobs, former CEO of Apple. I wish to thank you for the innovations you help bring to the world, Steve. Rest In Peace.

I am well aware of the recent passing of Steve Jobs, it was kind of sudden even for me ( truth be told, I was in the middle of watching a Let’s Play of Super Mario World when I heard the news! ) It makes you think about death and life, well it does for me.

The thing is, we’re all going to die, we are not invincible. People spend their entire lives in denial over their incoming death. We could die young, we could die old, it is something we can never know.

When you consider this, you have to wonder why so many people spend so much of their lives being essentially slaves, be it to a spouse, a loan, a job, a system, etc. They think they if they spend 40 years being a good servant to the system they’ll be able to live out their final years in peace. Truth is, it doesn’t always happen that way, as evidenced by the passing of Steve Jobs. I’m sure that many people know someone who died suddenly with their lives ahead of them.

When the time comes to bury a loved one ( it WILL happen ) let the tears flow, let it all out. Don’t hold back. Remember, its a part of life to die. Its a time of mourning, a time where norms and prejudices get a least suspended so that everyone can come together to comfort one another. Its a time of questioning, be of your actions around this person ( tip: we will all have regrets ) and how you are living your life.

It should also be time of joy. Yes, I know that sounds cheesy but we why do you think a funeral is usually referred to as a celebration of the person’s life? Yes, its a time to be sad that this person is no longer going to be around but we what we will always have is the memories of that person will be in our hearts forever.

Life really is precious. It just seems that in witnessing the passing of someone can have a profound effect on a person. They vow to become better people and make the most of what they have right now. Then, life gets in the way and they forget about these reflections and get back into a grind of life.

We really shouldn’t forget these thoughts. A death in the family is a hard thing to cope with but truthfully, it will happen. Its a horrible time, no doubt and a huge disruption to a persons life among things. BUT maybe its make the doctor ordered. It forces people to slow down, even if only briefly and question life. Some will come out of the episode with a renewed vigor for life, some may not.

We all die, its a natural part of the cycle. I accept it as such. Embrace the life you have and make the most of it, that is what I say.

Embracing Your Inner Child

I would like to describe myself as a childish person. I don’t mean I’m immature or anything like that. What I mean is that I like to keep in touch with my inner child. I personally believe that if you nuture you rinner child, it will benefit you in the long run.

So many people stuff their inner child. Still some understandably never had a chance to let theirs out due to circumstances. Worse still is when others with good intentions to try to kill someone else’s inner child because they think that you can live life seeing things with simple joy that child would is wrong and that you need to see the world coldly and cynically.

Truth is, you can still be realistic and still maintain your inner child at the same time, they aren’t mutually exclusive, you know. Granted, there are times you need to operate in serious mode ( when I’m in serious mode, I am ruthlessly professional, for example ) but then are times you can let out the joy, fun and innocence associated with childhood.

I’m also not advocating perceptual childhood here either, we all need to ‘ grow up ‘ BUT there no need to grow old, if you get my drift. Some of us face very real responsibilities, then please attend to those, they are important and you need to be serious mode at those times.

What ways can you keep in touch with your inner child, you may ask? No, I’m no expert on this but I reckon there are a few things you can to do to nourish your inner child;

1. Always be curious. Always be curious. Be curious to learn more, to try new things, to do stupid things, to do good things. Go on that adventure, get dirty, get bruised. Fall, then get up again. Experiment. Never lose your curiousty, its a sentence to mediocracy otherwise.
2. Laugh. Its a simple one but its so effective. I’m known as a funny guy, a bit of a smart ass if you may be hey, I make people laugh and I am able to laugh at my own stupidity as well. Make people laugh, its contagious and will make you feel young again and bring people towards you
3. Know thats its OK to do ‘ Childish ‘ things. This was a hard one for me as I’ve had to deal with family members not approving of this and trying to crush it. On the flip side, I would be who I am today if it wasn’t for that. That said, I know its OK to do childish things, read children’s books and comics, play video games aimed at kids if that floats your boat. Don’t feel ashamed of it, embrace it. Ignore the naysayers, they probably don’t know what they are doing!

   
   

Thats just a few ideas to maintain your inner child, leave a comment if you know of more ideas that might be helpful for me and others. Express yourself fully, I won’t judge.

Embrace the child with, that is what I say!

Breaking Free Of Your Limits

Once upon a time, that was a scared little boy who played things by the rules because he didn’t want to get into trouble. Be it with school, parents or society. This boy as such led a very safe life but it was also very very boring. This boy would watch while others would brush some of the rules aside and have fun while he sat alone wondering why he was playing things by the book so much that it was now making him miserable – This was his make up call and over time, he began to let it go – to give himself permission to be like everyone else – That it is OK to break the rules sometimes, that is where the most memorable experiences come from.

As you can probably guess, that boy was me. I really limited myself when I was younger for no real good reason – Well, if you count ‘ not wanting to cause trouble ‘ as a reason than you are right. I mean, I followed the rules and expectations set to me by peers to me to the tee. Truth be told, I saw people all the time flaunting them and getting away with it whatever I followed rules to the point of insanity.

The kick up the ass I needed to break free of this came in 2004. It was when I in Lourdes as a youth helper. There was a whole load of rules that one had to follow as a youth helper as I was representing my secondary school amongst other things such as no congregating in other groups hotels ( they had groups split in different hotels depending on sex ) , no drinking, stuff like that.

As you can imagine, those rules went right out of the window by everyone…. except me. I was to stubborn for my own good. However, my hotel room overlooked a roof where another group of the opposite sex was staying – I basically saw everyone going out down every night. This caused me gods knows how much internal grief and began to eat at my internal stubbornness and resistance.

It really upset me actually as I actually wanted to join them but I had a mental block that I couldn’t overcome about sticking to the rules and not wanting to get caught and get into trouble. I guess I was imagining the worst case scenario of being sent home early over breaking the rules when in reality, the worst I’d likely gotten was a proverbial slap on the wrist.

But anyway, the point is while Lourdes was still an experience I’ll never forget, I still missed out on a lot because of my unwillingness to bend the rules. The whole thing had shaken my belief system to the point I was now seriously questioning why the fuck I was following the rules so much when it was shoved literally in front of me people getting ahead by bending the rules the little.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about wanting to behave like a politician here ( we all know they are generally the least likely of anyone to follow any rules to begin with! ) or committing serious crimes, I mean the well intentioned rules laid down on us by our family, school and society in general. You know the sort of stuff I’m on about: ‘ Don’t speak without permission! ‘ ‘ Stay behind the yellow line in the playground or else you’ll get 50 lines! ‘ ‘ Don’t drink until your 18! ‘ ‘ Get a job, a car, a house ‘ etc, etc.

You have to wonder, who the hell made these rules in the first place? Was it some pretentious wanker at the start of the Industrial Revolution who wanted to use schooling as a means to produce ‘ Good Citizen’s of the World? ‘ ( When I say that, I’m referring to people who are thick as shit and don’t ask questions! ) Or is it the corporations who want to people to hive minded so they they’ll obey and pay all the useless junk the media tells them to?

Why do we follow all the rules laid down to us? Are we afraid of getting into trouble with the man? Are afraid of what others will think of us if we didn’t? WHY should we follow all the rules, even the more pointless ones? Why not try breaking free instead?

This is something I have worked since that fateful trip to Lourdes in 2004, I have some serious slips along the way, like having to leave go of the notion that just because you don’t have the money, doesn’t mean you can’t do anything. Its still a work in progress but I am getting there, slowly getting more and free as the days pass.

One day, I’ll get there but for now, I’m enjoying the Journey.